I Cried Wolf

I am on the dreaded "break" with Zachary. Breaks are just these stop signs before moving up towards heartbreak. I mean they're supposed to be a reason to save a relationship. And I do believe they help, but it's hard not to lose all hope sometimes.
Being on a break is dangerous territory for me however. Breaks are the in between. You don't have a boyfriend, but you aren't welcome to the perks of being single either. Which isn't so bad unless you're me. I seem to need affection at all times and if I'm not getting it from Zachary, I might start to stray- not emotionally, just physically. That sounds terrible, but it's true. I really hate that I'm like that, but it's true. Sometimes I think I need to not get affection at all for a long time to condition myself to way I was before I ever had affection. Other times I accept this part about me and feel that it can't be all that wrong, especially when I know other girls are like this too. All I ever need is someone holding me. I love the feeling of arms wrapped around my body.
Not talking to Zachary has made me feel lonely. It's only been five days, but I talk to him a lot. I had no one to tell anything to. Boyfriend's are the only people you can pester with dull aspects of your life and they actually care or at least feel obligated to care.
Zachary and I have been having a hard time with one another. Hence the break. I just hope I don't get bright eyed by the first person who gives me the affection I'm yearning for.

STAY STRONG.

Girl Afraid

I have been wanting a certain someone back in my life for so long. I wrote about it in all of my previous posts. Every since we departed I could only think of how I would never be okay, while still trying to convince myself I would be okay. I got him back, I got him back 5 months ago (I put in the 5 months to validate the relationship status- people can get back together and have it only last for 2 hours). My life has progressed and regressed at the same time. 

I am happier. Apart from right now I rarely feel an uncomfortable sense of disappointment with my life- which used to consume me and drive me to write all the time. If I'm writing a new post in my blog it's a sure thing that I'm doing really great. And as you can see I have not written a new post probably since we got back together...until now. 

So why am I writing in this right now? I got the guy what else could I possibly need? Well I hate to admit it, but my ex boyfriend is kind of getting me down. This is going to sound uber typical, but here it is. I saw him at a party last night and I had heard about him being out and about all the time- drinking and smoking. He used to be a sober sally like me (I seem to drive the men I've scorned to partying and all things "fun"). And just now I stumbled upon a picture of him on facebook posted by a mutual friend. Really what's getting me down is he seems to have changed. He's broken out of his shell of not so many friends and looking like he's having fun. 

Which leaves me to, I wish I could break out my shell. It just seems like this will never happen for me. I have tried to figure out this college thing for going on three years. I want to understand getting high, but everytime I smoke I don't get high and I get sick. I want to understand being drunk, but I'm afraid that will also make me sick (I have a sensitive stomach). If I can understand one of those two things let loose maybe parties will be more fun. Maybe I can finally make friends. Jesus this would be the worst thing to show a D.A.R.E. class. But I'll tell you this officer Dan, I am one of the only people I know who doesn't drink, smoke, or party. I am also one of the most closed off, unexperienced, and sometimes loneliest human being I know. 

It really is about the things you regret for doing rather than the things you regret not doing. I can't seem to put this into motion. I swear I'll keep trying, I've been doing some major slacking off lately and you know school is not the only thing that deserves my attention. I also seem to forget that. I really need to go out, I need to have stories to tell. I need to learn. There are too many things I just don't know at the age of 21.

I have to stop being afraid. 

Silver or Gold

I was a Brownie. 

In Brownies there's this song about friends. 

The lines go:

"Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. A circle is round it has no end, that's how long I want to be your friend."

Can we have friends forever?

I have tried to define what a friend is for a long time. 

It's difficult to identify real friendship from just people you know. 

I believe good friends are people that you talk with, see on a semi-regular basis, relate to, feel comfortable around, and have no sexual attraction towards on either side. 

I used to have two really good friends. 

They weren't perfect by any means, but they were my friends. 

The people that didn't make me feel like a outsider.

It was where I belonged. 

They both moved far for me. 

This strains my definition of friendship. 

We don't see each other often, talk very often. 

When I need them they can't always be there. 

So is there a point?

Is there a real reason to hold on to old friends?

Should you clench your grip,

let the rope burn your hands as it continues to slip?

or release?

My Favourite Button To Push Is Re-Wind

Are you afraid?

Not of the dark or ghosts or aliens. 

Are you afraid of the unknown, do you need control?

Does it comfort you to go through every single possibility, every single outcome-

to prepare yourself for what is to come?

Does it comfort you to know what will happen?

Are you watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for the seventh time?

Are you watching it for the seventh time even though there are many other things to watch that you haven't already seen?

Are you listening to the same playlist on repeat?

Are you feeling better that you did?

You're afraid, and I am too.
I'm more afraid than anyone I know.

I lost someone who I loved very much, and when they weren't there anymore I craved familiarity. 

I haven't gotten over it. 

It has been half a year and I still need to watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants because I love knowing how it is and will be. I love knowing that I will love it, I love that every expectation will be met. 

I wish I still wasn't listening to the same pop playlist I wrote about in December, but I still play it at least once every two days. 

I'm so afraid of the unknown. 

I'm sure that's why I love Langhorne. 

I love my home, I love my cats, my family, my old friends. 

I just want everything to be the way it was. 

So the things I can control, 

movies, music. 

Stay the same, the way it used to be.

When I had it all. 

I had the guy, the love with the guy, the friends, the fun with the friends. 

I'm trying to find myself again. 

I want the friends again. 

I want the fun. 

I may never get the guy, but I know I can live without him.

It's been hard, but I know I can do it. 

And right now when I have no one to lean on, I'll let Sisterhood/Pop music be the shoulder I need.

That's The Competitive Spirit

I was born to argue with other people. 

I was also born to be an asshole and win arguments with people even its by pissing them off enough that they don't care to argue anymore (granted that's one of my biggest pet peeves). 

I love making a point and I love making people understand my point of view so well it becomes their own. 

You could also say I love manipulation. 

The best way to manipulate an argument is simple. I was just in an argument and had an epiphany that I say this simple sentence that generally resolves or at least brings the argument around almost everytime. 

Generally an argument is when two people take two different sides on the same topic. 

And when voices start to raise, just say:

"Do you understand where I'm coming from?"

It has the look and feel of a white flag that people respond to and

it also makes the person think if they answer "no" then they aren't comprehending the argument -automatically giving you a leg up. 

Besides most people like to think they're understanding and they'll just say yes.

But this brilliant line, after you've received the "yes"allows the other party to say that they get why you're arguing and almost bringing them to your side. 

You've got them. Almost.

Because a good opponent will say, 

"Yes, I understand that you blah blah blah because you blah blah blah, but I still think yadda yadda yadda because yadda yadda yadda.

Hopefully you don't have one of those. 

as "argtists" (arguer + artist) we hope our opponent will crumble after we've painted pictures of cruel accusations and used their own words against them. 

Sunny Sunny Day

I am so inspired. 

I have so many ideas in me, motivation, and everything I've been killing for. 

The last time I felt inspired was like 10th grade. 

Maybe I'm just having a good day. 

Still.

For Mother's Day I made my mother a necklace, and this pop-up card I spent like an hour or so on. 

I painted my nails all special just like ten minutes ago. 

It's the little things.

But really, it feels good to have the energy to put into things. 

I woke up today and had energy.

I go to work without having a panic attack. 

I look in the mirror and I don't feel hideous even if I am still breaking out and still trying to tell that extra 10 lbs to fuck off. 

I am yet again, getting back up. 

Even if it's just for a little while.

PYT: Perverted Old Things

I posted an ad on Craigslist for friends last night. 

It was mostly for giggles, but you never know what to expect. 

I should have expected many horny old dudes on Craigslist seeing 20 year old female and going bonkers. 

And get this,

I posted a picture of my cat. 

This picture of my cat:

Like these men are desperate. 

They have no clue how I look they just know I'm 20 and they have a hard on. 

It's pretty disgusting. 

Every so often I go on Chatroulette when I'm feeling bored and wanting to reach out to people. I know what you're thinking. Yes, I see a lot of dick when I go on there and yes it's super creepy. But believe it or not I'm pretty creepy myself. Anyhow, I went on last week and was talking to this Italian guy who was in Ireland. We were talking pretty casually. He was shitting on Ireland and I was shitting on America. It seemed really normal and he was cute and normal looking. Then I say my goodbyes and he points the camera down. And you guessed it! He was totally jerking it. 

I don't know if he was doing the whole time or just at the end, but men are fucking perverted as hell. 

Now, don't misunderstand me. I have been aware of this fact since I was like twelve (I pretty much had a C cup when I was twelve). I have been getting hollered at for almost half of my life now. People have addressed my large chest and some my booty. 

Point is, I'm pretty aware that men are perverted and I didn't just discover this now. 

However it never ceases to amaze me how much men respond to sex, rely on sex, and are stimulated by  almost any old thing. Correction: any young thing. 

-Remember back to when I said I have been getting hollered at since I hit way too early puberty-

I always wondered how far does this perversion go. 

I wondered when I was at dance classes in my tights and leotard, did the dads picking up their kids ever look at the older girls in that special perverted way?

or is that too far?

 Are there men who are decent and don't immediately think about sex when looking at a young female? 

Or is it impossible for them to not think about it?

I have been bitter towards men because of their strong interest in sex. 

I don't believe men and women can be friends if they're in any way attracted to one another. 

I have a lot of male "friends" and I have often wondered how legitimate the friendship actually is.