Girl Afraid

I have been wanting a certain someone back in my life for so long. I wrote about it in all of my previous posts. Every since we departed I could only think of how I would never be okay, while still trying to convince myself I would be okay. I got him back, I got him back 5 months ago (I put in the 5 months to validate the relationship status- people can get back together and have it only last for 2 hours). My life has progressed and regressed at the same time. 

I am happier. Apart from right now I rarely feel an uncomfortable sense of disappointment with my life- which used to consume me and drive me to write all the time. If I'm writing a new post in my blog it's a sure thing that I'm doing really great. And as you can see I have not written a new post probably since we got back together...until now. 

So why am I writing in this right now? I got the guy what else could I possibly need? Well I hate to admit it, but my ex boyfriend is kind of getting me down. This is going to sound uber typical, but here it is. I saw him at a party last night and I had heard about him being out and about all the time- drinking and smoking. He used to be a sober sally like me (I seem to drive the men I've scorned to partying and all things "fun"). And just now I stumbled upon a picture of him on facebook posted by a mutual friend. Really what's getting me down is he seems to have changed. He's broken out of his shell of not so many friends and looking like he's having fun. 

Which leaves me to, I wish I could break out my shell. It just seems like this will never happen for me. I have tried to figure out this college thing for going on three years. I want to understand getting high, but everytime I smoke I don't get high and I get sick. I want to understand being drunk, but I'm afraid that will also make me sick (I have a sensitive stomach). If I can understand one of those two things let loose maybe parties will be more fun. Maybe I can finally make friends. Jesus this would be the worst thing to show a D.A.R.E. class. But I'll tell you this officer Dan, I am one of the only people I know who doesn't drink, smoke, or party. I am also one of the most closed off, unexperienced, and sometimes loneliest human being I know. 

It really is about the things you regret for doing rather than the things you regret not doing. I can't seem to put this into motion. I swear I'll keep trying, I've been doing some major slacking off lately and you know school is not the only thing that deserves my attention. I also seem to forget that. I really need to go out, I need to have stories to tell. I need to learn. There are too many things I just don't know at the age of 21.

I have to stop being afraid.