What Comes With Age

You know, I talk a lot of my woes. I say I'm depressed, lonely, without friends or people who care about me. I say I'm heartbroken, confused, lost, and conflicted and this is true. I've never been so low. I keep trying to pick myself up and maybe one of these days I will. It just has been hell for a long time now.

 I've never understood how others felt before. I never sympathized with emotional people and I looked down on them. My life was easy, I didn't know it was possible to feel this terrible. I didn't know what it meant to live with unbearable feelings. I can honestly say I have learned from all this stress and emotional pain and hopefully once I make it through I can look at myself as strong human being- I'll actually be able to say that because I'll have overcome something instead of just being alright when everything was alright. 

I am amazed by some of the things my friends have been dealing with as well. As we get older and we are all, for the most part, on our own, life seems to be crueler and crueler. I would have never expected any of the stories my friends have told me to be true, to be something they actually had to experience in their lives. I just could never expect how horrendous life experiences can be. 

I don't suffer from the ever popular Peter-Pan Syndrome. I have never wished to be a child again, where life was simpler. Where we all sat around watching Blue's Clue's, or having slumber parties, or being a mall rat. I can look back at them fondly, but I have always wanted to be respected as an adult and not a child. I wanted to have conversations and have my opinion count and not just be discounted due to my age. I have always wanted to be in my mid-twenties to thirties. Those will be the glamourous days I thought. But as life progresses and shows me the horror of independence and the horror of reality I just don't know if I look forward to a future anymore. 

I always look forward to my professional future and career. I want to be successful and getting there excites me. But my personal life, by the way its been going and the way I've handled the stresses of it, I don't look forward to it. My personal life brings me such pain, I just wish to do away with it sometimes. 

I'm not hopeless yet, but i'm down.